Book #3 Review

I'm only on #3 of 100? Gaaah....

Anyway, I'm waay behind on this review. I finished this book a good 2-3 weeks ago, and let me tell you, it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be! 

Audrey Niffenegger's book started off to be very very dull. She wrote the book from the perspectives of Claire Abshire, and Henry DeTamble; Henry being the time traveller. Obviously. 


The reason it's so dull in the beginning, in my opinion, is it's just a constant flip flop between perspectives, circling around one event. So for example, you read about the moment Claire and Henry met for the first time twice in a few short pages, because the first perspective is Claire's and the second is Henry's. Of course, one of the two perspectives is a bit longer, but still, it gets to be a bit bland. 


Honestly, the only reason I kept reading this book, is for the mere fact that I figured something exciting needed to happen. They needed to at least end up together, which was a given anyway, gathering from the title. 


Am I ever glad I stuck through it. 


It takes a while, and a bit of skimming, but after about 100 pages or so, you start to get into a rhythm, things start to happen, and eventually, you cannot put the book down. 


Part of what makes the book interesting, is how different the two perspectives are, and how different their lives were, not just for obvious reasons. Henry could've had a semi-normal childhood, had he not been a time traveller. The two seem to just quietly respect their differences, and just make their goal in life to make it work. There's only one person who has trouble accepting his time travelling, which makes "making it work" a bit difficult...which I'm not giving away!


I would highly recommend this book. Even if you've seen the movie. Take it on vacation, it's a good read for the summertime when you need a good, long book. Once you're into it, it won't be long until you're finished! Niffenegger wrote a book after this one called Her Fearful Symmetry, which I may read and include in my 100 books in one year challenge. 

(By the way, I've got 2 books on the go right now which I'm almost done, and many more to read!)

Crisis

Hello all!
I absolutely love this song. I may have posted it before, but I could listen to it over and over and over again. Thanks to TRH for posting this on her blog first, which was my introduction to an artist whom I now love :) 








I hope things have been going well for all of you :) Especially to those, like me, who are in the midst of writing finals. I hate this time of year! 

Like any normal person in the midst of exam time, I always get stressed this time of year. It's a last minute scramble to make sure you understand everything, and are doing well enough to at least pass those courses that you absolutely dread. 

This year, exam stress gave me way more than I bargained for. 

Not only was I freaking out about "so much to do and so little time to do it all", I was going through a "mid life crisis" of sorts. 

It started about a month ago. And it started with loneliness. I felt as though I had friends, but no one I really connected with. I felt lost because I didn't have a group of friends that all got along with each other that I could just call up and be like "hey, let's go to a movie" or something of that sort at a minimum. It seems like a petty thing to cause loneliness, but underneath, I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't feel like I had a purpose.

I go through loneliness phases from time to time, but this one hit me quite hard. I in fact, was ready to start looking at schools other provinces, and pack up my stuff next year and hit the road, start somewhere new. Because for a while there, I didn't feel like I mattered in Kelowna. Or to the people I considered my friends. 

After much thinking, and a lot of relying on God, I was reminded that I had a place here (for now), and so I am here, and am a happier person now in that regard. I also started to ponder about what my priorities are, and what they should be. Which is a difficult one that I will probably always struggle with, but this is the first time I've actually faced it.


So after that crisis, I moved on to a new one. 

It's amazing how frustration builds and builds, and you don't realize it until you hit the 'climax' of sorts. 

I realized, a couple days ago, that I was really frustrated with where my education was going. I've been going to college for 2 years, and for about a year and a half of that time, I've had no sense of direction. I've just been taking courses to get credits. I started to become more and more frustrated with myself, as it feels like I am the only one in school right now that doesn't have a sense of direction. Well, didn't I suppose, because now I am 99% sure of what I want to do. But it's a really scary feeling to watch other people who know exactly what they're doing and pursue it with passion, when you just feel like you're floating along with no direction. 


So thanks to many people in my life, I had my little freak out, and now I feel back on track. I've set short term goals for myself, in order to give myself direction. I find it really really difficult to set long term goals for myself, so instead, I'll do short term, complete one thing at a time, and see where life takes me from there. 

One of the short term plans I've set for myself involves fitness. I've decided that by the end of the summer, I want to be able to do Knox Mountain runs. I've never, ever considered doing this before, but I know many people that do them, and I think it would be an accomplishment that I could truly be proud of. I've never been athletic, and have never achieved anything great in terms of fitness. So to be able to do runs on Knox Mountain would be a great achievement for me. 

The other goals are hard ones to share, they are personal ones involving how I perceive myself. They're hard goals because not only do they force me to look inside myself and ask some difficult questions, but they're hard to set specifc goals for. However, I still hope to make changes throughout the summer, and I will probably provide updates as I start to perceive changes. 

I am grateful to the people in my life who have kept me sane over the last little while, H.B, S.H, A.Z-G, D.H, B.G, and JJK are only a few people who have kept me calm/brought me back to sanity/been an encouragement to me. So I thank all of you for helping me remember what's important, and for giving me the encouragement that I needed! I couldn't have arrived at the mindset I have now without all of you. 

Have a happy week, and if you haven't made any short or long term goals for yourselves, I suggest you do it! Think of things you really want to accomplish in your life and work hard to get there. It's amazing how it will change your mindset on life!

Book #2

It's really sad that I've only read 2 books so far out of my 100 for the year. YIKES. 

Anyway. 

So I've changed the plan. Again. Instead of following to a strict list, which I mean, get let's get real here, there was no WAY I was going to stick to, I'm just going to keep track of the books I finish in a year, and see if I can make it to 100. Do I feel like a failure for not sticking to a list? Yes. Do I also have to be real with myself and understand that expectation was maybe not realistic? Yes. 

So book #2 was really unexpected. A friend of mine recommended it to me, and I just happened to see it at the library a couple weeks later. It's by an author that I had never read before, I know of many people who read her books, and love her. 

Book #2 was House Rules by Jodi Picoult. It was absolutely incredible. 

I'm finding it hard to find words to describe this book. Honestly, I haven't so touched by a book ever (since The Shack anyway, and I don't think another book will touch me in the same way). 

It was written in a style I'm not usually fond of. Every chapter was from the perspective of a different person, and 5 different perspectives were used. Usually I'm not a fan because whenever I've read books that have used this style, I find it difficult to follow because the perspectives are either really different, or the author just hasn't done the job in blending them all. Jodi Picoult however, manages to separate and blend all 5 perspectives into a beautifully crafted and touching story about a boy with Aspergers syndrome. 

I had no idea what Aspergers was until I read this book. The way I can describe it, is that it's a severe form of autism. People with Aspergers have troubles communicating, and cannot 'perform' certain emotions, such as empathy. They don't understand the idea of putting themselves into someone else's shoes; in fact, they would take that statement literally.

"Always put yourself in others' shoes if you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too"

In this book, the main character, Jacob, has an obsession with forensic science (apparently people with Aspergers have obsessions with one subject). He will go to crime scenes, and try to 'help' the police figure out the crime. However, one day his tutor is found dead, and the police go to him with questions. His obsession with forensic science makes the police wonder if he set the whole thing up to point the finger at her boyfriend whom Jacob has a huge dislike for. 


I ended up calling the end of it (kind of, she isn't super clear), which never happens, however for a while there it looked like my guess wasn't going to be right. I strongly encourage you to check this book out. It's a fun read, and it's also a bit educational. It's got some fun facts about certain famous people who allegedly were diagnosed with the syndrome. 


Happy reading!

Disaster

Why, hello!

Here's a mellow little tune for ya :) 



So, I don't know about you, but I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately. 

Seeing the rainbow through the rain

I credit part of my low to the weather. I could really use some sunshine! I'm not really complaining about the rain though, but still, some sunshine would be good. 

I also credit part of it to the recent disaster in Japan. I know I can do nothing about it, and I didn't lose anybody to the disaster, but I still feel affected by it. 

Disasters like this cause me to do some serious thinking. 

Disasters such as these, will cause me to want to spend time with the people I want t re-connect with. Because it's disasters like these that will remind me that you don't know what God has planned, and you never know what tomorrow will bring. 

Along with re-connecting with people, it also causes me to think of my friends. I think of the people I wish I was closer to (re-connecting), and the people who I either feel negatively towards, or are negative influences in my life.

People are such a struggle. I'm always trying to see the good in people, and I keep people in my life even though I may think/know they aren't doing me any good. In fact, my ex boyfriend is the only person I completely kicked out of my life. It was the hardest thing I've done, but I haven't regretted it. I gave him an honest try at being friends, and he just couldn't respect me. So fine. I'm done. 

I realize that God is in all people, but what about those negative influences? Or those people who are abusive?

I'll save that for another post.


Another reason why I have such a hard time separating myself from people is because a lot of times, they turn out to be positive, sometimes influential people in my life. So I give people the benefit of the doubt for a while. If after a certain period of time things go from bad to worse, that's when I go "see ya later alligator". 


Another thing I remember to appreciate after a crisis such as this is to appreciate the little things in life. I have a list of things I consider "little things." My definition of "little things" are things that I've grown up with, or have always had. 

My first thing, is relationships, as discussed above. I don't know what I would do without the people in my life.

My second thing, is food. In fact, my mother just about threw out rice and I couldn't let her do it. She thought I was crazy. We're so blessed in Canada. There's such an over abundance of everything here, that we're so used to just throwing out what we don't want. It's absolutely ridiculous. I've been bad for this in the past, but I can't do it anymore. We are so spoiled, it's not even funny, and people are lacking. It's awful. Even though I can't do much about supplying food to people in Japan, or other people who are suffering, what I can do, is be thankful for what I do have, and use my resources wisely. 

My third thing, is the ability to go to church. I've never lived in a place where it was unacceptable in the culture to go to church. Living in Canada, it's something everyone is free to do without persecution. That, is unbelievable to me. I've taken this for granted pretty much my whole life. I can't imagine living in fear because of what you believe in. People around the world (mostly in places such as Iraq, although I'm not an expert on this) die for Christianity all the time. You don't hear about it very often, but it happens. To have this freedom, to believe what I believe, and still not go to church is almost embarrassing to me. But then it becomes going to church, and actually absorbing the message...which is sometimes a task in and of itself. Again, embarrassing, but all churchgoers suffer from it. 


From now on, the goal is to not take anything for granted anymore. Life is so short, and even though once I'm gone there will be no regrets, I still will have to face God, and I don't want to be ashamed in front of my Savior.  This is my challenge to you: think about the things you take for granted all the time, and stop. Enough is enough.

Being me

Hi all! Hope your week has been splendid!

Here's a song to get your juices flowing :) 




I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and my most recent reflection has been about fully being yourself. Not being ashamed at all about who you are, where you've come from, and where you're headed. 

I'm not talking about this kind of embarrassment, this is just funny :)

This. Is. Huge. 

I've been reflecting on certain parts of my life, and I've come to the realization that I've been living my life embarrassed about who I am. It's time for that to stop. 


The things I've noticed myself of late being self conscious about are:

1. My sense of humor. I sometimes get self conscious about my sense of humor. I tend to laugh at the easiest things, which can make me feel self conscious. But then I think; isn't it better to laugh easily, then to be, for a lack of a better word, picky about the things you laugh at? 
2. My beliefs/opinions. This of course, ranges from God to getting drunk to drugs to abortion, etc. This is mostly because I feel like I haven't really formed many strong opinions on certain topics yet. I feel like I haven't experienced enough in my life yet to know how I feel RIGHT NOW on abortion etc. 

What I've come to realize, is that to be embarrassed of these things, is to be embarrassed of God; because He created me exactly the way He wanted me to be, and to be embarrassed of any part of me would make me embarrassed of my Creator. Not cool. 

Then I started to think, maybe the reason why I'm a generally shy person is because I'm embarrassed of the above qualities in my personality? 


Because I will admit, I don't open up to people easily. When asked a difficult question, I'm very careful about my choice of words. When I'm asked the question, I'm trying to quickly but carefully come up with an answer. I don't just blurt out the first thing that comes into my mind. Although sometimes I want to. Is that weird? Because sometimes, I feel like that's not what others do. 


Even when I do give really honest answers, I'm careful about who I am fully honest with. I can only count on one hand my list of people that I am usually 100% honest with.

I'm not an easy nut to crack. I will be the first person to admit this. 

I think part of my problem is the whole "filter" issue. Some people don't have one at all, which I think can be really unnecessary and rude. Me however, I possibly have too much of a filter. Is that possible?

I can find it hard to relate to people, or even start conversations with people. Especially guys. I have no idea what guys want to talk about or care about, so I am constantly thinking of things to talk about, and then second guessing myself because I'm think he's not going to care about that. How do you know if you don't say?   

It's so hard to be comfortable in your own skin. It's especially hard to remember that you are your own worst enemy. I don't know how many times I'm at work and the girls I'm working with are saying "I don't like this on me" or "this makes me look pregnant" when I see something totally different. 

I'm not the person to stand in front of the mirror and say positive things about myself. I just don't. I've never done that, even in my worst moments. It's probably awful, but it's the truth. In high school, I always had a "who cares" attitude about my appearance, and I was (most of the time) comfortable in my own skin in terms of my personality. 

And it's weird; I always thought that now that I'm past that preteen "awkward stage" of my life, I would be more relaxed, more self confident. Actually, it's backwards. 


I'm trying to figure out who I am, and it's incredibly difficult, which makes it really hard to be myself because I don't even know who that is yet. 


Each day, I'm trying to loosen my filter, and just say what's on my mind. I'll never find myself and the people I want to surround myself with, if I don't open myself up at least a little. Now that I've realized this of myself, maybe being "myself", whoever that is, will become easier. And ultimately, I hope to become less and less uncomfortable in  my skin.

You've Changed.

Here's a song of the day that fits perfectly! This is unfortunately the best mix I could find on youtube :(. It's not awesome, but it'll do!

 People change. All the time. It's a fact of life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes...not so much. 


Usually, if you've known a person for an extended period of time (let's say for example's sake, a year), you notice changes in a person from when you first met them, to "now".  It's happened quite drastically among people I knew throughout high school, who are now totally different people.


In past blogs ("this is personal today"  and somewhat in "you know what really grinds my gears???"  ), I vented about a certain guy who I really liked, and who ended up not being the person I thought he was. Or he always was that way, and I just had rose colored glasses on.  Needless to say, we're still friends, and still hang out every once in a while. 


Here's some background info for you. 


We started out as friends, and went straight to "more" (kind of...it's hard to explain) after a couple of months, and then after two weeksish of that, went to him treating me like nothing (he got back together with an ex-girlfriend all of a sudden-hence him finding no reason to continue to treat me the same way), which continued for about....3 months which made me really pissed off and I talked to him as little as possible during that time period. Now? He's actually nice to me, and what's even weirder, is that since "we've gone a different direction" (for lack of a better explanation),  he treats me like a friend. 

When I was driving home from the last time I saw him, I was so confused I hardly knew what to do with myself. It's the craziest thing ever. 


I'd listen to things he'd say and just be crazy confused. Instead of saying things that were negative and condescending, he was saying things in the other side of the spectrum entirely. Of course he would still joke around in the sarcastic/judgmental way that I understand (it's so hard to explain my sense of humor. I'm not actually judgmental); but he would say a lot of things that were actually kinda nice.




WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU WHEN I WANTED US!? 


Honestly. 


Because a small part of me, as silly as it is, is sad whenever I leave after seeing him. 


I think there is one main reason for this:

There is a sad, silly part of me that wishes we would've worked out. I really, honest to goodness felt comfortable in the thought that he liked me, and thus thought the  natural progression would be us being together. Apparently not. 




Honestly though, I'm glad it didn't turn out. I believe I've changed a lot just having the opportunity to know him. I don't know if we would've done well as a couple. For one, he doesn't have God, and after my ex-boyfriend...I'm not sure if I'd go down the non Christian route again. There are just certain beliefs that are vital to a relationship.


When I first met him, I knew that God and Christianity was a long shot for him. But who knows what the future brings for him. 

Just not me and him together, I can assure you that! 


Because even though there is that small part of me that is sad, I know we'd never work out. 

What I've discovered, is that sometimes, you get more out of being friends than being anything more. 

Society gives us this idea that being "single" is such a lonely and dreadful thing; and we get so sucked into that, that we forget how much we can both gain and give by just being friends.  I've forgotten this, and I definitely get sucked into the whole "single is awful" thing. Because it can be at times. But I think as a whole, we've forgotten to appreciate friendships and what can come out of that. 

Take the time to get to know a friend. Talk to someone you've known for "forever" and re-get to know them. Chances are, they will be a lot different now from when you first met them, or even last talked to them. Offer time and conversation, and see what you get back! 

Conversation

I'M FINALLY BLOGGING.

Good grief. It's only been forever and a stone age. People are actually ASKING about the blog. 

You know it's been too long when...




So I had an experience today, that should be a simple thing, but turned into something that turned my entire day around. 

It was something as simple as a conversation. 




We have those every day. Or at least we think we do. But do we...really?




I had a conversation today with a person that I've known for many many years; but with whom I've never had a real conversation. Which feels kind of strange, but I'm only just 20. So life really has only just started. 




It was a real conversation where I felt like BOTH parties were actually engaged in the conversation. Like, we had so much and nothing to catch up on all at the same time. 

What struck me, and still strikes me now, is the eye contact part. To me, that's how you can tell if you're having a real, raw conversation with a person. 


I mean, he SEARCHED for my eyes for Pete's sake. I don't think I've ever felt that experience. 


We're so used to "conversations" where we've got our phone on, our computer on, maybe our iPods in our ears, that we've forgotten what a conversation actually is. 


What's so disappointing to me, is how weird it felt to give him my full eye contact. I used to be so comfortable with it, and then I was sitting there, and he'd look at me right in my eyes, and I'd get all squirmy inside. And not the "OMG he's looking at me I wonder if he 'likes' me" kind of squirmy. It was a "this doesn't happen very often" kind of squirmy. 


Because it doesn't. 


I mean really, how often do you receive, and give someone your FULL eye contact? Thinking about it now, I've been doing it less and less. 


And honestly, I feel terrible about it. And I blame part of it on technology.


We've got so many distractions around us, so many things to avoid uncomfortable situations, that we have now turned something that should be completely natural into something completely uncomfortable. 

It's something I never even thought about until today, when it was actually searched for. 


You honestly will have no idea what I'm talking about unless you've experienced this. Such a basic part of life, completely forgotten about. Or, it's just been completely avoided. 


They say the eyes are the opening to the soul. Maybe that's why it's so hard to give full eye contact, and receive it. 

I honestly feel like we don't have genuine conversations everyday. Maybe with some people we do. Hopefully if you have a significant other in your life, you have genuine conversations at least more frequently. And I feel like some people may not be capable of a genuine conversation. What I do think, is that we can train ourselves to be more aware, and give eye contact more often, and have those genuine, raw, "this is me" kind of conversation. I'm going to try and do this more often.