I’m baaaaaack!

So, it’s been a long time, but with some encouragement, I’m going to at least attempt to come back on a semi-regular to regular basis.

  I’m sitting in the library, handwriting my “first draft” (sometimes there’s nothing like the feel of pen and paper to get the creativity going), and I’m looking outside at the beautiful fall scenery. I’ve really appreciated fall this year; the colours, the weather, everything. You’ll still hear me complain about the cold in the morning, but deep down, I do appreciate it.

It’s been so long since I’ve done this, that I spent pretty much the entire day wondering what to write about. I’m honestly going to just write, and see what happens.

This semester has been an interesting one so far. Actually, the past few months have really been interesting. August was where it seemed to start. I’m at a loss as to how to explain it without giving it away, because I don’t want to do that.  I only seem to be able to think of ways to describe it that make it sound really drastic and awful, which is wasn’t. It’s just personal. That’s all I’ve got. Anyway, let’s just say I came to a realization that has caused me confusion ever since. There.

September, of course, brought the start of school. It was weird, because I had no friends in any of my classes, which was a first for me. I also dipped my toe in what could potentially be the start of my new career; Human Resources. I’m taking my first HR course this semester, and it’s been good, but I never thought making the switch would be as scary as it has been. I know nothing about HR and the career paths it offers, so I guess that’s part of what’s so scary about it.

However, as far as grades are concerned, I started off at a high that I’ve never experienced before. I was getting 80%’s on tests, which I’ve never done. I tend to freeze, so I’m used to 60%-70%. I was on cloud 9. I thought, that since I started so well, it could only get better. Well, unfortunately it didn’t end up that way. Now, I’m back to the 60% mark. I’ve officially let myself slip, and I’m not happy with myself about it.

In fact, I’ve been unhappy with myself in more ways than one. I’ve always dealt with self-confidence issues, but last week was an all time low for me. In retrospect, I probably should have seen it coming, but I didn’t, and now I have to fix what damage has been done.

I have to try harder; at everything from actually getting up in the morning and doing my makeup, to actually getting help with accounting.

From not getting so angry with myself when I mess up, to just doing better when get another chance.

To standing in front of the mirror and saying positive things about myself, instead of avoiding a mirror altogether.

To asking my God to forgive me when I fall from grace.

I can’t say that I’m perfect, that’s for sure.

Alas, class beckons. I will be back.  

Harry Potter!

Hey all!

So before I go too far, I’m not using blogger to post this blog as I usually do, I’m trying out Windows Live Writer. I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but hopefully it turns out okay. If it looks really different, that’s why. I’m already loving this though, mainly because there are many more fonts to choose from. Blogger only has about 5 fonts to choose from, and that gets kind of dull!

Moving right along!

As you will guess by the title, this post will have at least something to do with Harry Potter. I have been a Harry Potter fan since I read the first book when it was first released. Most of my friends have been very late in reading Harry Potter (most of them just started last year). Some of their parents wouldn’t allow their children to read Harry Potter when they were kids, so I can’t really say much to that. Everyone else who is just starting though has no excuse : ).

Anywho, in anticipation for the final movie in theatres this summer, I decided to read all the books a second time before going to see the movie. Seeing how as the summer is almost over, I’m just going to say that it took me the entire 4 months to get through the 7 books. Which is kind of embarrassing, but I do other things beside read you know!

I’ve never read anything twice, so this was actually an interesting experience for me. I have to say, the first 3 books were pretty boring, the third one was probably the most painful to get through ; however books four and on were just as incredible as I remembered them being.

All of this being said, I’m not going to say “everyone should read these!” because they won’t be for everyone. What I will say, however, is if you’re interested in reading them, and are 19 or over, I would suggest watching the first three movies, and then reading the books four and on. The movies do a pretty good job of staying as close to the book as possible, so you won’t miss out too much by not reading the first three books. However, the bigger the books get, the harder it becomes to follow the plot really closely, so I would definitely recommend reading the last few to get a really good feel of the story as it grows.

 

 

Book #9, #10, #11, #12, and #13 Reviews

Oh hi!

So I am sooo behind on this whole blogging thing. And especially on the book reviews. Oooops! Things have been a bit crazy, I've been feeling a bit discouraged with this whole blogging thing, but I'm going to carry on! Maybe I'll talk about everything in a post soon. 

Anywhooo on to some reviews!

I finished the trilogy by Stieg Larsson, the final book being called The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. Yet again, the book was so incredible that I really can't describe it! Just read the trilogy. Honestly, you won't regret it!

The next book I read I was disappointed with. It was written by Dean Koontz, who I usually LOVE, but he failed to deliver with Prodigal Son. He's usually a really suspenseful writer, but Prodigal Son was really just a very dull science fiction book; and science fiction isn't really my schtick anyway. It's essentially about a man who kills people for their internal organs, and makes "robot" type people to fit his mold of the perfect person. He essentially wants to wipe out the entire human population and replace them with "robots". I use the term "robots", because they aren't the typical robots in the fact that they aren't metal, and you really can't tell that they are "robots", but they can't think for themselves. That's how they're robots. Anyway, two detectives are trying to get to the bottom of all these murders, and by the end of the book, they start to figure out something funny's going on. There's a whole trilogy I think. I won't read any more of them though.

Book #11 was a book called Rescue by Anita Shreve. This was an incredible book. It was full of heartbreak, but it was just one of those books that grabbed you. It starts out as a love story. The main character works as a paramedic, and he falls in love with a woman he rescues one night. They eventually get together and have a child together, but things start to fall apart from there. It's a big roller coaster, but it's just one of those stories where you wonder why the main character makes the decisions he does. It makes for a pretty good story, but a light read. I'll definitely be reading more of her books.

Book #12 is actually a last book in a series. It's an English mystery that is also a T.V. show, which is how I was introduced to the characters. It follows Inspector Morse, who I watched on T.V. as a kid with my family.  I didn't love the T.V show, but the book was incredible. Basically, it's Inspector Morse's last case. The book is called The Remorseful Day by Colin Dexter. If you're going to read this one (which I recommend you do), read a few of the others before you read the last one, because you'll get a sense of who he is. I watched the T.V. show so I was a bit ahead of the game, but I will definitely be reading more of the books, and I think they're more enjoyable if you know the Inspector at least a little beforehand.

Last but not least, is book #13, which is called Still Alice, and it's by Lisa Genova. This is a story that follows a Harvard Professor who gets diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers. It's a hard story to read, and it really gave me an education on how Alzheimers affects the people who have it. Alzheimers is one of those diseases where I knew what it did, but I didn't fully understand it. I really appreciate fiction stories that also provide at least a little bit of an education, and this one did it for me. It's an unbelievable story that I would recommend to anyone.    

Bliss Moment #1

Welcome to Bliss Moment #1! 


I'm writing this and not feeling very "blissfull." Oh well. C'est la vie! 


If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see the previous post. There it will explain what the idea is behind "Bliss Moments". 


So, getting on with it; the first bliss moment is....

Noticing a piece of gum on the ground before stepping on it. 
(I told you they were going to be basic...) 


This piece of good fortune and totally awesome thing happened to me about a week ago, (yeah yeah it's taken me a while okay? Don't judge.) My mom and I went shopping, and as I was getting out of the car, I happened to notice a piece of gum a couple of inches away from where I was going to place my foot. I was very happy to be paying attention, otherwise I would've suffered the misfortune on stepping on the sticky, gooey substance! 


I don't know about you, but one of the most annoying things in the world is stepping in a piece of gum. I hate that feeling of your foot sticking to the pavement, even if it's only for milliseconds! 




And that was my moment of bliss! 

Introducing...Bliss Moments.

So I want to just write a short introductory post to a new thing I'll be doing. 

So basically, whenever the urge strikes me, I'll be writing of things that make me happy, or are just generally awesome. It was actually suggested that I do this a long time ago, but I really didn't know what that would mean for me until just recently. 

If you've ever heard of "The Book of Awesome", it'll be something similar to that. The Book of Awesome is also a blog, which I highly encourage you to check out. It's absolutely fantastic, and it'll give you a glimpse of what I will be trying to accomplish with "Bliss Moments". 

Look forward to a Bliss Moment soon! (Maybe even today, we'll see what happens!) 

xo

Book #7 & #8 Reviews

Hey all!


I've been getting behind on the book updates, and I haven't actually blogged in forever, but here I am with a couple book reviews! I'm trying to get myself back into actually blogging, so hopefully I'll get on that and put one up soon! 


So, on to books!

Book #7 is a book called The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold. It's a very depressing story, and it's a book I would not recommend reading right after reading The Flying Troutmans; which is what I did. It started to become too much, and I actually found myself having to read The Almost Moon in parts. I have actually tried to read this book before, but couldn't get past the first few pages. 


The first chapter of this story tells the gruesome tale of a woman killing her mother. It's a disturbing way to start a story, and it made me wonder if I should bother reading it to the end. I decided to give it a chance though, and I ended up being disappointed. 


The next chapters follow her life after the murder. You'd think to start a book with such a disturbing beginning would be bad enough, but the story just gets even more disheartening as it continues on. 


There are some authors that can write dark and disturbing stories and make them bearable, and Sebold succeeded in that with The Lovely Bones, but she failed to accomplish this with The Almost Moon. I can't even imagine thinking of a plot like that. 


If you like dark, bland tales, then this is for you. If not, steer clear. Choose The Lovely Bones instead. The Lovely Bones is another dark tale, but it's a really well written book that I thoroughly enjoyed sinking my teeth into. 

The next book is #2 in a trilogy by Stieg Larsson. It's called The Girl Who Played With Fire. I read the first book (The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo) before I decided to start the 100 books in 1 year challenge, and also while I was in school. Which was a big mistake. These books are incredibly addicting, once you get into them. It takes about 200 pages or so to get really addicting, but once you get there, it's hard to put them down.


It's hard to even describe what this book is about. The novels are very suspensful, and very complex. I'm currently on the third one (the second one ends with a cliffhanger, so I went RIGHT into the third one!) and I would definitely recommend them for summer reading. 


If you enjoy books with complex plots and many characters, I would definitely recommend this for you! Give them a try, you won't be sorry. 


Happy Reading! 
~xox 

Book Review #6

Book #6 is by one of my favorite authors. I read Miriam Toew's book "A Complicated Kindess" a couple years ago when I was on vacation with my family and I couldn't put it down. I had the same experience with book #6 which is The Flying Troutmans. 

This book follows Hattie Troutman, who is the sister of Min Troutman. Min is a troubled woman with 2 kids; a daughter Thebes and a son Logan. While Hattie is living in Paris with her boyfriend, she gets a distress call from Thebes as Min is being admitted into the psychiatric ward. Hattie returns to her hometown to be with the kids, and decides to take the kids on a "road trip" of sorts to find their father, Cherkis. It's definitely not your typical "family bonding" story, because I'm not even sure that's what happens to the three of them. However, they have quite the adventure, and as dark as the story is, Toews manages to throw in a bit of humor every now and then. It's a book I would highly recommend. 

Miriam Toews touches me in a way I can't really describe. It's difficult for me to describe her writing as dark because the stories she tells are so bizarre and absurd they're hard to believe. And yet, as crazy the tales are, she writes them in a way that makes them slightly believable. If you read The Flying Troutmans and enjoy it, I would highly recommend A Complicated Kindness as well. It's quite a bit different and that story is definitely dark, but it's got that same Miriam Toews touch to it that makes it hard to put down. 



Happy reading!

Book #4 and #5 Reviews

Wow you guys, I'm so far behind on this whole blogging thing it's not even funny. 

Anyway, so I've finished 5/100 books. I've got a long way to go! 

So first things first, I jumped right into another Jodi Picoult book. Holy can that woman write! 

A couple weeks ago, I finished her newest (I think?) novel called Sing You Home. It's quite different from House Rules, but it had the same profound effect on me. 

As in House Rules, she writes the book in multiple perspectives, but the majority of the focus is on Zoe; who at the beginning of the story is trying to have a baby with her husband with no success, and as the stress becomes too much, they separate. Zoe isn't a woman with many girl friends, or many friends at all for that matter, but soon after her separation, she makes a new friend, and it takes a turn she doesn't expect. 

Another similarity to House Rules is that there's another court case in the story. I don't know if this is very common in Picoult's writing, but I enjoy it, and it fascinates me how she manages to incorporate law into her writing. 

I love how much Picoult puts into her writing. She doesn't just sit and make up a story and have it published; she does her research. She sits with people that are similar to the main character in the most important aspects (for example: Jodi Picoult worked closely with someone she knew who has Aspergers when writing House Rules). As a reader, it makes for a really good read when the author has put a lot of time and consideration into their writing.

It's quite controversial, but if you keep an open mind while reading it, it can really challenge your way of thinking, and perhaps allow you to be more open minded when faced with certain situations. 

Book #5 was a bit of a lighter and a heavier read all at once. 

Book #5 is Holloway Falls by Neil Cross. I picked this one up at the $5 table at Chapters. Let me tell you, it was good, but I wouldn't have paid more than $5 for it. 

I actually took quite a risk when buying this book, it didn't really have a description in the back, but I had read a couple of pages before purchasing it, so that was my 'justification' of sorts. 

It's written like an English Mystery, except it's a bit lighter. However, many parts left me confused. There are quite a few characters, and quite frankly, I'm still confused about some of them. 

One of the main characters is a cop by the name of William Holloway. Years ago, his wife cheated on him with another man, and Holloway is out to seek revenge on him. However, a woman that William slept with was murdered, and it's believed that he did it. However, another man enters the story who believes that he knows who did it, and it wasn't Holloway. 

If you're into thrillers and mysteries, definitely check it out. However, at the very end there is quite a bit of blood and gore described, so if you don't like that kind of stuff, just skim over it. 

Happy Reading!

Book #3 Review

I'm only on #3 of 100? Gaaah....

Anyway, I'm waay behind on this review. I finished this book a good 2-3 weeks ago, and let me tell you, it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be! 

Audrey Niffenegger's book started off to be very very dull. She wrote the book from the perspectives of Claire Abshire, and Henry DeTamble; Henry being the time traveller. Obviously. 


The reason it's so dull in the beginning, in my opinion, is it's just a constant flip flop between perspectives, circling around one event. So for example, you read about the moment Claire and Henry met for the first time twice in a few short pages, because the first perspective is Claire's and the second is Henry's. Of course, one of the two perspectives is a bit longer, but still, it gets to be a bit bland. 


Honestly, the only reason I kept reading this book, is for the mere fact that I figured something exciting needed to happen. They needed to at least end up together, which was a given anyway, gathering from the title. 


Am I ever glad I stuck through it. 


It takes a while, and a bit of skimming, but after about 100 pages or so, you start to get into a rhythm, things start to happen, and eventually, you cannot put the book down. 


Part of what makes the book interesting, is how different the two perspectives are, and how different their lives were, not just for obvious reasons. Henry could've had a semi-normal childhood, had he not been a time traveller. The two seem to just quietly respect their differences, and just make their goal in life to make it work. There's only one person who has trouble accepting his time travelling, which makes "making it work" a bit difficult...which I'm not giving away!


I would highly recommend this book. Even if you've seen the movie. Take it on vacation, it's a good read for the summertime when you need a good, long book. Once you're into it, it won't be long until you're finished! Niffenegger wrote a book after this one called Her Fearful Symmetry, which I may read and include in my 100 books in one year challenge. 

(By the way, I've got 2 books on the go right now which I'm almost done, and many more to read!)

Crisis

Hello all!
I absolutely love this song. I may have posted it before, but I could listen to it over and over and over again. Thanks to TRH for posting this on her blog first, which was my introduction to an artist whom I now love :) 








I hope things have been going well for all of you :) Especially to those, like me, who are in the midst of writing finals. I hate this time of year! 

Like any normal person in the midst of exam time, I always get stressed this time of year. It's a last minute scramble to make sure you understand everything, and are doing well enough to at least pass those courses that you absolutely dread. 

This year, exam stress gave me way more than I bargained for. 

Not only was I freaking out about "so much to do and so little time to do it all", I was going through a "mid life crisis" of sorts. 

It started about a month ago. And it started with loneliness. I felt as though I had friends, but no one I really connected with. I felt lost because I didn't have a group of friends that all got along with each other that I could just call up and be like "hey, let's go to a movie" or something of that sort at a minimum. It seems like a petty thing to cause loneliness, but underneath, I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't feel like I had a purpose.

I go through loneliness phases from time to time, but this one hit me quite hard. I in fact, was ready to start looking at schools other provinces, and pack up my stuff next year and hit the road, start somewhere new. Because for a while there, I didn't feel like I mattered in Kelowna. Or to the people I considered my friends. 

After much thinking, and a lot of relying on God, I was reminded that I had a place here (for now), and so I am here, and am a happier person now in that regard. I also started to ponder about what my priorities are, and what they should be. Which is a difficult one that I will probably always struggle with, but this is the first time I've actually faced it.


So after that crisis, I moved on to a new one. 

It's amazing how frustration builds and builds, and you don't realize it until you hit the 'climax' of sorts. 

I realized, a couple days ago, that I was really frustrated with where my education was going. I've been going to college for 2 years, and for about a year and a half of that time, I've had no sense of direction. I've just been taking courses to get credits. I started to become more and more frustrated with myself, as it feels like I am the only one in school right now that doesn't have a sense of direction. Well, didn't I suppose, because now I am 99% sure of what I want to do. But it's a really scary feeling to watch other people who know exactly what they're doing and pursue it with passion, when you just feel like you're floating along with no direction. 


So thanks to many people in my life, I had my little freak out, and now I feel back on track. I've set short term goals for myself, in order to give myself direction. I find it really really difficult to set long term goals for myself, so instead, I'll do short term, complete one thing at a time, and see where life takes me from there. 

One of the short term plans I've set for myself involves fitness. I've decided that by the end of the summer, I want to be able to do Knox Mountain runs. I've never, ever considered doing this before, but I know many people that do them, and I think it would be an accomplishment that I could truly be proud of. I've never been athletic, and have never achieved anything great in terms of fitness. So to be able to do runs on Knox Mountain would be a great achievement for me. 

The other goals are hard ones to share, they are personal ones involving how I perceive myself. They're hard goals because not only do they force me to look inside myself and ask some difficult questions, but they're hard to set specifc goals for. However, I still hope to make changes throughout the summer, and I will probably provide updates as I start to perceive changes. 

I am grateful to the people in my life who have kept me sane over the last little while, H.B, S.H, A.Z-G, D.H, B.G, and JJK are only a few people who have kept me calm/brought me back to sanity/been an encouragement to me. So I thank all of you for helping me remember what's important, and for giving me the encouragement that I needed! I couldn't have arrived at the mindset I have now without all of you. 

Have a happy week, and if you haven't made any short or long term goals for yourselves, I suggest you do it! Think of things you really want to accomplish in your life and work hard to get there. It's amazing how it will change your mindset on life!

Book #2

It's really sad that I've only read 2 books so far out of my 100 for the year. YIKES. 

Anyway. 

So I've changed the plan. Again. Instead of following to a strict list, which I mean, get let's get real here, there was no WAY I was going to stick to, I'm just going to keep track of the books I finish in a year, and see if I can make it to 100. Do I feel like a failure for not sticking to a list? Yes. Do I also have to be real with myself and understand that expectation was maybe not realistic? Yes. 

So book #2 was really unexpected. A friend of mine recommended it to me, and I just happened to see it at the library a couple weeks later. It's by an author that I had never read before, I know of many people who read her books, and love her. 

Book #2 was House Rules by Jodi Picoult. It was absolutely incredible. 

I'm finding it hard to find words to describe this book. Honestly, I haven't so touched by a book ever (since The Shack anyway, and I don't think another book will touch me in the same way). 

It was written in a style I'm not usually fond of. Every chapter was from the perspective of a different person, and 5 different perspectives were used. Usually I'm not a fan because whenever I've read books that have used this style, I find it difficult to follow because the perspectives are either really different, or the author just hasn't done the job in blending them all. Jodi Picoult however, manages to separate and blend all 5 perspectives into a beautifully crafted and touching story about a boy with Aspergers syndrome. 

I had no idea what Aspergers was until I read this book. The way I can describe it, is that it's a severe form of autism. People with Aspergers have troubles communicating, and cannot 'perform' certain emotions, such as empathy. They don't understand the idea of putting themselves into someone else's shoes; in fact, they would take that statement literally.

"Always put yourself in others' shoes if you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too"

In this book, the main character, Jacob, has an obsession with forensic science (apparently people with Aspergers have obsessions with one subject). He will go to crime scenes, and try to 'help' the police figure out the crime. However, one day his tutor is found dead, and the police go to him with questions. His obsession with forensic science makes the police wonder if he set the whole thing up to point the finger at her boyfriend whom Jacob has a huge dislike for. 


I ended up calling the end of it (kind of, she isn't super clear), which never happens, however for a while there it looked like my guess wasn't going to be right. I strongly encourage you to check this book out. It's a fun read, and it's also a bit educational. It's got some fun facts about certain famous people who allegedly were diagnosed with the syndrome. 


Happy reading!

Disaster

Why, hello!

Here's a mellow little tune for ya :) 



So, I don't know about you, but I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately. 

Seeing the rainbow through the rain

I credit part of my low to the weather. I could really use some sunshine! I'm not really complaining about the rain though, but still, some sunshine would be good. 

I also credit part of it to the recent disaster in Japan. I know I can do nothing about it, and I didn't lose anybody to the disaster, but I still feel affected by it. 

Disasters like this cause me to do some serious thinking. 

Disasters such as these, will cause me to want to spend time with the people I want t re-connect with. Because it's disasters like these that will remind me that you don't know what God has planned, and you never know what tomorrow will bring. 

Along with re-connecting with people, it also causes me to think of my friends. I think of the people I wish I was closer to (re-connecting), and the people who I either feel negatively towards, or are negative influences in my life.

People are such a struggle. I'm always trying to see the good in people, and I keep people in my life even though I may think/know they aren't doing me any good. In fact, my ex boyfriend is the only person I completely kicked out of my life. It was the hardest thing I've done, but I haven't regretted it. I gave him an honest try at being friends, and he just couldn't respect me. So fine. I'm done. 

I realize that God is in all people, but what about those negative influences? Or those people who are abusive?

I'll save that for another post.


Another reason why I have such a hard time separating myself from people is because a lot of times, they turn out to be positive, sometimes influential people in my life. So I give people the benefit of the doubt for a while. If after a certain period of time things go from bad to worse, that's when I go "see ya later alligator". 


Another thing I remember to appreciate after a crisis such as this is to appreciate the little things in life. I have a list of things I consider "little things." My definition of "little things" are things that I've grown up with, or have always had. 

My first thing, is relationships, as discussed above. I don't know what I would do without the people in my life.

My second thing, is food. In fact, my mother just about threw out rice and I couldn't let her do it. She thought I was crazy. We're so blessed in Canada. There's such an over abundance of everything here, that we're so used to just throwing out what we don't want. It's absolutely ridiculous. I've been bad for this in the past, but I can't do it anymore. We are so spoiled, it's not even funny, and people are lacking. It's awful. Even though I can't do much about supplying food to people in Japan, or other people who are suffering, what I can do, is be thankful for what I do have, and use my resources wisely. 

My third thing, is the ability to go to church. I've never lived in a place where it was unacceptable in the culture to go to church. Living in Canada, it's something everyone is free to do without persecution. That, is unbelievable to me. I've taken this for granted pretty much my whole life. I can't imagine living in fear because of what you believe in. People around the world (mostly in places such as Iraq, although I'm not an expert on this) die for Christianity all the time. You don't hear about it very often, but it happens. To have this freedom, to believe what I believe, and still not go to church is almost embarrassing to me. But then it becomes going to church, and actually absorbing the message...which is sometimes a task in and of itself. Again, embarrassing, but all churchgoers suffer from it. 


From now on, the goal is to not take anything for granted anymore. Life is so short, and even though once I'm gone there will be no regrets, I still will have to face God, and I don't want to be ashamed in front of my Savior.  This is my challenge to you: think about the things you take for granted all the time, and stop. Enough is enough.

Being me

Hi all! Hope your week has been splendid!

Here's a song to get your juices flowing :) 




I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and my most recent reflection has been about fully being yourself. Not being ashamed at all about who you are, where you've come from, and where you're headed. 

I'm not talking about this kind of embarrassment, this is just funny :)

This. Is. Huge. 

I've been reflecting on certain parts of my life, and I've come to the realization that I've been living my life embarrassed about who I am. It's time for that to stop. 


The things I've noticed myself of late being self conscious about are:

1. My sense of humor. I sometimes get self conscious about my sense of humor. I tend to laugh at the easiest things, which can make me feel self conscious. But then I think; isn't it better to laugh easily, then to be, for a lack of a better word, picky about the things you laugh at? 
2. My beliefs/opinions. This of course, ranges from God to getting drunk to drugs to abortion, etc. This is mostly because I feel like I haven't really formed many strong opinions on certain topics yet. I feel like I haven't experienced enough in my life yet to know how I feel RIGHT NOW on abortion etc. 

What I've come to realize, is that to be embarrassed of these things, is to be embarrassed of God; because He created me exactly the way He wanted me to be, and to be embarrassed of any part of me would make me embarrassed of my Creator. Not cool. 

Then I started to think, maybe the reason why I'm a generally shy person is because I'm embarrassed of the above qualities in my personality? 


Because I will admit, I don't open up to people easily. When asked a difficult question, I'm very careful about my choice of words. When I'm asked the question, I'm trying to quickly but carefully come up with an answer. I don't just blurt out the first thing that comes into my mind. Although sometimes I want to. Is that weird? Because sometimes, I feel like that's not what others do. 


Even when I do give really honest answers, I'm careful about who I am fully honest with. I can only count on one hand my list of people that I am usually 100% honest with.

I'm not an easy nut to crack. I will be the first person to admit this. 

I think part of my problem is the whole "filter" issue. Some people don't have one at all, which I think can be really unnecessary and rude. Me however, I possibly have too much of a filter. Is that possible?

I can find it hard to relate to people, or even start conversations with people. Especially guys. I have no idea what guys want to talk about or care about, so I am constantly thinking of things to talk about, and then second guessing myself because I'm think he's not going to care about that. How do you know if you don't say?   

It's so hard to be comfortable in your own skin. It's especially hard to remember that you are your own worst enemy. I don't know how many times I'm at work and the girls I'm working with are saying "I don't like this on me" or "this makes me look pregnant" when I see something totally different. 

I'm not the person to stand in front of the mirror and say positive things about myself. I just don't. I've never done that, even in my worst moments. It's probably awful, but it's the truth. In high school, I always had a "who cares" attitude about my appearance, and I was (most of the time) comfortable in my own skin in terms of my personality. 

And it's weird; I always thought that now that I'm past that preteen "awkward stage" of my life, I would be more relaxed, more self confident. Actually, it's backwards. 


I'm trying to figure out who I am, and it's incredibly difficult, which makes it really hard to be myself because I don't even know who that is yet. 


Each day, I'm trying to loosen my filter, and just say what's on my mind. I'll never find myself and the people I want to surround myself with, if I don't open myself up at least a little. Now that I've realized this of myself, maybe being "myself", whoever that is, will become easier. And ultimately, I hope to become less and less uncomfortable in  my skin.

You've Changed.

Here's a song of the day that fits perfectly! This is unfortunately the best mix I could find on youtube :(. It's not awesome, but it'll do!

 People change. All the time. It's a fact of life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes...not so much. 


Usually, if you've known a person for an extended period of time (let's say for example's sake, a year), you notice changes in a person from when you first met them, to "now".  It's happened quite drastically among people I knew throughout high school, who are now totally different people.


In past blogs ("this is personal today"  and somewhat in "you know what really grinds my gears???"  ), I vented about a certain guy who I really liked, and who ended up not being the person I thought he was. Or he always was that way, and I just had rose colored glasses on.  Needless to say, we're still friends, and still hang out every once in a while. 


Here's some background info for you. 


We started out as friends, and went straight to "more" (kind of...it's hard to explain) after a couple of months, and then after two weeksish of that, went to him treating me like nothing (he got back together with an ex-girlfriend all of a sudden-hence him finding no reason to continue to treat me the same way), which continued for about....3 months which made me really pissed off and I talked to him as little as possible during that time period. Now? He's actually nice to me, and what's even weirder, is that since "we've gone a different direction" (for lack of a better explanation),  he treats me like a friend. 

When I was driving home from the last time I saw him, I was so confused I hardly knew what to do with myself. It's the craziest thing ever. 


I'd listen to things he'd say and just be crazy confused. Instead of saying things that were negative and condescending, he was saying things in the other side of the spectrum entirely. Of course he would still joke around in the sarcastic/judgmental way that I understand (it's so hard to explain my sense of humor. I'm not actually judgmental); but he would say a lot of things that were actually kinda nice.




WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU WHEN I WANTED US!? 


Honestly. 


Because a small part of me, as silly as it is, is sad whenever I leave after seeing him. 


I think there is one main reason for this:

There is a sad, silly part of me that wishes we would've worked out. I really, honest to goodness felt comfortable in the thought that he liked me, and thus thought the  natural progression would be us being together. Apparently not. 




Honestly though, I'm glad it didn't turn out. I believe I've changed a lot just having the opportunity to know him. I don't know if we would've done well as a couple. For one, he doesn't have God, and after my ex-boyfriend...I'm not sure if I'd go down the non Christian route again. There are just certain beliefs that are vital to a relationship.


When I first met him, I knew that God and Christianity was a long shot for him. But who knows what the future brings for him. 

Just not me and him together, I can assure you that! 


Because even though there is that small part of me that is sad, I know we'd never work out. 

What I've discovered, is that sometimes, you get more out of being friends than being anything more. 

Society gives us this idea that being "single" is such a lonely and dreadful thing; and we get so sucked into that, that we forget how much we can both gain and give by just being friends.  I've forgotten this, and I definitely get sucked into the whole "single is awful" thing. Because it can be at times. But I think as a whole, we've forgotten to appreciate friendships and what can come out of that. 

Take the time to get to know a friend. Talk to someone you've known for "forever" and re-get to know them. Chances are, they will be a lot different now from when you first met them, or even last talked to them. Offer time and conversation, and see what you get back! 

Conversation

I'M FINALLY BLOGGING.

Good grief. It's only been forever and a stone age. People are actually ASKING about the blog. 

You know it's been too long when...




So I had an experience today, that should be a simple thing, but turned into something that turned my entire day around. 

It was something as simple as a conversation. 




We have those every day. Or at least we think we do. But do we...really?




I had a conversation today with a person that I've known for many many years; but with whom I've never had a real conversation. Which feels kind of strange, but I'm only just 20. So life really has only just started. 




It was a real conversation where I felt like BOTH parties were actually engaged in the conversation. Like, we had so much and nothing to catch up on all at the same time. 

What struck me, and still strikes me now, is the eye contact part. To me, that's how you can tell if you're having a real, raw conversation with a person. 


I mean, he SEARCHED for my eyes for Pete's sake. I don't think I've ever felt that experience. 


We're so used to "conversations" where we've got our phone on, our computer on, maybe our iPods in our ears, that we've forgotten what a conversation actually is. 


What's so disappointing to me, is how weird it felt to give him my full eye contact. I used to be so comfortable with it, and then I was sitting there, and he'd look at me right in my eyes, and I'd get all squirmy inside. And not the "OMG he's looking at me I wonder if he 'likes' me" kind of squirmy. It was a "this doesn't happen very often" kind of squirmy. 


Because it doesn't. 


I mean really, how often do you receive, and give someone your FULL eye contact? Thinking about it now, I've been doing it less and less. 


And honestly, I feel terrible about it. And I blame part of it on technology.


We've got so many distractions around us, so many things to avoid uncomfortable situations, that we have now turned something that should be completely natural into something completely uncomfortable. 

It's something I never even thought about until today, when it was actually searched for. 


You honestly will have no idea what I'm talking about unless you've experienced this. Such a basic part of life, completely forgotten about. Or, it's just been completely avoided. 


They say the eyes are the opening to the soul. Maybe that's why it's so hard to give full eye contact, and receive it. 

I honestly feel like we don't have genuine conversations everyday. Maybe with some people we do. Hopefully if you have a significant other in your life, you have genuine conversations at least more frequently. And I feel like some people may not be capable of a genuine conversation. What I do think, is that we can train ourselves to be more aware, and give eye contact more often, and have those genuine, raw, "this is me" kind of conversation. I'm going to try and do this more often.

30 "Week" Challenge- #5!

Holyyy we're already at week 5!

Week five is:

A picture of your favorite memory.


I am so bad with this "picture" business. It's a good thing I'm doing this on my blog....I'm soo not good at taking pictures...But I d actually have a picture for this one!!

My favorite memory is a hard one. I'm going to say it would be my 18th Birthday. 


I was struggling with some serious family issues at the time, and one of my friends decided to throw me a birthday party (it was kind of a surprise). It just made me feel really special, because I rarely throw parties for myself for my birthday, nevermind someone else throwing me one. 


So here's a picture!

100 books update

Hey all!

So I've made some adjustments to my "100 books in 365 days" challenge. 

It all started when I decided to give up on the 2nd book I was reading for the challenge-Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury (which I believe is #91 or #92 on the official list). As much as I don't want to, I'm 77 pages in, and I'm giving up on it. I was going to suck it up and just finish it, but then I started to think about what I really wanted out of the challenge. If I make this a really painful experience for myself, I will never finish the challenge. Most likely, I will just give up. I don't want to do that.


So instead, I've decided to at least give every book on the list a college try, and if a particular book is incredibly boring or whatever, I will simply stop reading that particular one, and find a different book to replace it. This way, I'm still reading 100 books, but I'm not being bored to tears if there is a book that I'm just not enjoying. 

So at this point, I've decided that instead of reading Something Wicked This Way Comes, I am going to read The Shack by William P. Young. I have read this book before, and it really touched me the first time, so I've decided that it's time to read it again. God really spoke to me the first time, and I'm excited to see if He has anything new to tell me this time. Or maybe He'll repeat what he told me the first time. Which is fine too.  

I am now going to fill myself up with some Christian music and Law studying. Which actually goes together quite well. 

30 "Week" Challenge- #4!

Hey all!

Time to catch up on my 30 week challenges. Here's week #4!

A picture of your night.

Last night, I spent a  quiet night with my lovely friend Jennifer. We just spent the night watching Love in the Time of Cholera, crocheting and eating delicious "monster" banana bread :) (We called them "monster" as they were so big!)

Our delicious "monster" banana bread!

The crocheting I donated to her so she can sell them. She needs funding to make her next album!

Jennifer is an amazing Christian singer/songwriter. She is making a new album this year, and needs some help with funding. She makes scarves like I do, and she was going to sell some that she's making, so I decided to help her out. If any of you are Facebook friends with me, all of the scarves that are in my "Crocheting/Crafty Creations!" photo album I will duplicate for you guys for a small price so that I can help her out! She is incredible in so many different ways, and I'd love to see her succeed in her music career. Here's one of her songs from her first album: 

Take a listen, and enjoy! If you want to help, let me know!!!