Alright. First post that involves rambling. And ranting (classified as 'other fun things' I suppose...).
Today was a very frustrating day. One of those days when you wake up thinking everything is going to work out according to your plan and then NOTHING goes according to plan. In fact, it might as well have been opposite day. I'm not going to give you exact details of everything that happened today, as I don't feel it's necessary, and I would be bored just typing it. So I can't even imagine reading it.
I hate when you go into a store, and the employees treat you like you're retarded. That really makes me angry. What makes me even more angry is dealing with the same company about 3 times in 2 months, and 2 out of the 3 times being treated like a retard. BOY oh BOY does that piss me off. I usually don't complain to companies, I don't even honk my horn when somebody cuts me off in traffic. But being treated like I don't know anything multiple times makes me angry enough to say something. I'm in the process of writing a complaint letter to said company.
On to number 2 thing that made me upset today. I hate when people ask you to do things they aren't willing to do themselves. I have multiple cases of this in my life, so I won't bother to explain them all. I will explain the one I'm having issues with at this current moment though.
I feel like I'm constantly asked to just drop everything for other people. Whether it being to cover a shift at work, or hanging out with friends. The covering shifts one doesn't bother me. One day I'm going to be sick and I'm going to need a favor. So that's fine. But the hanging out with friends one quite frequently pisses me off. I feel like people get upset, or I'm letting certain people down when I can't just drop everything I'm doing and go to their house for a movie, or go out for coffee, or just meet them somewhere just so they can get out of the house. It's not like I never do that for people, but I just cannot do it all the time. I lead a very busy lifestyle, so it's not very often that I have room for 'spur of the moment' plans.
So instead, I'll make plans with people. Which to me, makes more sense. You can have a mental note, a reminder on your cell phone, whatever it may be, so that you can't make other plans, or at least make plans around our plans (does that make sense?). This way, you've made time for someone without any sort of distractions, and at least I can provide my full attention.
But for some reason, plans are difficult for some people.
If you have to bail on me with a reasonable explanation, or an explanation at least, that's fine. I understand. Things happen all the time. But DON'T just not bother to show up, or not bother to confirm plans or whatever. I absolutely hate being ignored.
What frustrates me about people asking me to just drop everything, is the fact that when I ask, it feels like it's a big deal. And maybe it's because I can't do it all the time, but I feel that even when I want to make plans, or just even have a conversation with certain people in my life it's a big freaking deal. That hurts.
I get really frustrated with people and I quite often feel like I need to say something, but I'm so afraid of pushing people away that I have a hard time bringing up issues with people. I believe my pastor once called it 'acceptance addiction'. People are important to me, and I'm just so afraid of losing connections that I just accept things and leave it alone.
But what good is that really?
It isn't any good. And I know this. But as I've said before, putting myself out there really is hard for me. Especially when there's a risk of losing someone that, at least at one point in my life, was or is important to me. I guess I feel like God put me here for a purpose, and I believe that my purpose is to be here for people. Which I enjoy. I love nothing more than to talk to people, and to listen. The selfish part of me wants, in return, for people to be around for me. Especially those I thought actually cared about me.
So then, do I care about people too much? Am I being taken advantage of? Or am I not giving enough of myself to people? Maybe I'm giving too much of myself to people...
These are all questions that run through my mind quite frequently. And quite frankly, I'm not always sure how to answer them. This is usually where I let God take the lead. He knows FAR better than I do what I need and what I don't. I'm a fighter though, and I'm stubborn. So it's a hard thing for me to do. I'm starting to feel like it's time for me to start letting go, and letting God take the reigns. Wish me luck!
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