Being me

Hi all! Hope your week has been splendid!

Here's a song to get your juices flowing :) 




I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and my most recent reflection has been about fully being yourself. Not being ashamed at all about who you are, where you've come from, and where you're headed. 

I'm not talking about this kind of embarrassment, this is just funny :)

This. Is. Huge. 

I've been reflecting on certain parts of my life, and I've come to the realization that I've been living my life embarrassed about who I am. It's time for that to stop. 


The things I've noticed myself of late being self conscious about are:

1. My sense of humor. I sometimes get self conscious about my sense of humor. I tend to laugh at the easiest things, which can make me feel self conscious. But then I think; isn't it better to laugh easily, then to be, for a lack of a better word, picky about the things you laugh at? 
2. My beliefs/opinions. This of course, ranges from God to getting drunk to drugs to abortion, etc. This is mostly because I feel like I haven't really formed many strong opinions on certain topics yet. I feel like I haven't experienced enough in my life yet to know how I feel RIGHT NOW on abortion etc. 

What I've come to realize, is that to be embarrassed of these things, is to be embarrassed of God; because He created me exactly the way He wanted me to be, and to be embarrassed of any part of me would make me embarrassed of my Creator. Not cool. 

Then I started to think, maybe the reason why I'm a generally shy person is because I'm embarrassed of the above qualities in my personality? 


Because I will admit, I don't open up to people easily. When asked a difficult question, I'm very careful about my choice of words. When I'm asked the question, I'm trying to quickly but carefully come up with an answer. I don't just blurt out the first thing that comes into my mind. Although sometimes I want to. Is that weird? Because sometimes, I feel like that's not what others do. 


Even when I do give really honest answers, I'm careful about who I am fully honest with. I can only count on one hand my list of people that I am usually 100% honest with.

I'm not an easy nut to crack. I will be the first person to admit this. 

I think part of my problem is the whole "filter" issue. Some people don't have one at all, which I think can be really unnecessary and rude. Me however, I possibly have too much of a filter. Is that possible?

I can find it hard to relate to people, or even start conversations with people. Especially guys. I have no idea what guys want to talk about or care about, so I am constantly thinking of things to talk about, and then second guessing myself because I'm think he's not going to care about that. How do you know if you don't say?   

It's so hard to be comfortable in your own skin. It's especially hard to remember that you are your own worst enemy. I don't know how many times I'm at work and the girls I'm working with are saying "I don't like this on me" or "this makes me look pregnant" when I see something totally different. 

I'm not the person to stand in front of the mirror and say positive things about myself. I just don't. I've never done that, even in my worst moments. It's probably awful, but it's the truth. In high school, I always had a "who cares" attitude about my appearance, and I was (most of the time) comfortable in my own skin in terms of my personality. 

And it's weird; I always thought that now that I'm past that preteen "awkward stage" of my life, I would be more relaxed, more self confident. Actually, it's backwards. 


I'm trying to figure out who I am, and it's incredibly difficult, which makes it really hard to be myself because I don't even know who that is yet. 


Each day, I'm trying to loosen my filter, and just say what's on my mind. I'll never find myself and the people I want to surround myself with, if I don't open myself up at least a little. Now that I've realized this of myself, maybe being "myself", whoever that is, will become easier. And ultimately, I hope to become less and less uncomfortable in  my skin.

You've Changed.

Here's a song of the day that fits perfectly! This is unfortunately the best mix I could find on youtube :(. It's not awesome, but it'll do!

 People change. All the time. It's a fact of life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes...not so much. 


Usually, if you've known a person for an extended period of time (let's say for example's sake, a year), you notice changes in a person from when you first met them, to "now".  It's happened quite drastically among people I knew throughout high school, who are now totally different people.


In past blogs ("this is personal today"  and somewhat in "you know what really grinds my gears???"  ), I vented about a certain guy who I really liked, and who ended up not being the person I thought he was. Or he always was that way, and I just had rose colored glasses on.  Needless to say, we're still friends, and still hang out every once in a while. 


Here's some background info for you. 


We started out as friends, and went straight to "more" (kind of...it's hard to explain) after a couple of months, and then after two weeksish of that, went to him treating me like nothing (he got back together with an ex-girlfriend all of a sudden-hence him finding no reason to continue to treat me the same way), which continued for about....3 months which made me really pissed off and I talked to him as little as possible during that time period. Now? He's actually nice to me, and what's even weirder, is that since "we've gone a different direction" (for lack of a better explanation),  he treats me like a friend. 

When I was driving home from the last time I saw him, I was so confused I hardly knew what to do with myself. It's the craziest thing ever. 


I'd listen to things he'd say and just be crazy confused. Instead of saying things that were negative and condescending, he was saying things in the other side of the spectrum entirely. Of course he would still joke around in the sarcastic/judgmental way that I understand (it's so hard to explain my sense of humor. I'm not actually judgmental); but he would say a lot of things that were actually kinda nice.




WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU WHEN I WANTED US!? 


Honestly. 


Because a small part of me, as silly as it is, is sad whenever I leave after seeing him. 


I think there is one main reason for this:

There is a sad, silly part of me that wishes we would've worked out. I really, honest to goodness felt comfortable in the thought that he liked me, and thus thought the  natural progression would be us being together. Apparently not. 




Honestly though, I'm glad it didn't turn out. I believe I've changed a lot just having the opportunity to know him. I don't know if we would've done well as a couple. For one, he doesn't have God, and after my ex-boyfriend...I'm not sure if I'd go down the non Christian route again. There are just certain beliefs that are vital to a relationship.


When I first met him, I knew that God and Christianity was a long shot for him. But who knows what the future brings for him. 

Just not me and him together, I can assure you that! 


Because even though there is that small part of me that is sad, I know we'd never work out. 

What I've discovered, is that sometimes, you get more out of being friends than being anything more. 

Society gives us this idea that being "single" is such a lonely and dreadful thing; and we get so sucked into that, that we forget how much we can both gain and give by just being friends.  I've forgotten this, and I definitely get sucked into the whole "single is awful" thing. Because it can be at times. But I think as a whole, we've forgotten to appreciate friendships and what can come out of that. 

Take the time to get to know a friend. Talk to someone you've known for "forever" and re-get to know them. Chances are, they will be a lot different now from when you first met them, or even last talked to them. Offer time and conversation, and see what you get back! 

Conversation

I'M FINALLY BLOGGING.

Good grief. It's only been forever and a stone age. People are actually ASKING about the blog. 

You know it's been too long when...




So I had an experience today, that should be a simple thing, but turned into something that turned my entire day around. 

It was something as simple as a conversation. 




We have those every day. Or at least we think we do. But do we...really?




I had a conversation today with a person that I've known for many many years; but with whom I've never had a real conversation. Which feels kind of strange, but I'm only just 20. So life really has only just started. 




It was a real conversation where I felt like BOTH parties were actually engaged in the conversation. Like, we had so much and nothing to catch up on all at the same time. 

What struck me, and still strikes me now, is the eye contact part. To me, that's how you can tell if you're having a real, raw conversation with a person. 


I mean, he SEARCHED for my eyes for Pete's sake. I don't think I've ever felt that experience. 


We're so used to "conversations" where we've got our phone on, our computer on, maybe our iPods in our ears, that we've forgotten what a conversation actually is. 


What's so disappointing to me, is how weird it felt to give him my full eye contact. I used to be so comfortable with it, and then I was sitting there, and he'd look at me right in my eyes, and I'd get all squirmy inside. And not the "OMG he's looking at me I wonder if he 'likes' me" kind of squirmy. It was a "this doesn't happen very often" kind of squirmy. 


Because it doesn't. 


I mean really, how often do you receive, and give someone your FULL eye contact? Thinking about it now, I've been doing it less and less. 


And honestly, I feel terrible about it. And I blame part of it on technology.


We've got so many distractions around us, so many things to avoid uncomfortable situations, that we have now turned something that should be completely natural into something completely uncomfortable. 

It's something I never even thought about until today, when it was actually searched for. 


You honestly will have no idea what I'm talking about unless you've experienced this. Such a basic part of life, completely forgotten about. Or, it's just been completely avoided. 


They say the eyes are the opening to the soul. Maybe that's why it's so hard to give full eye contact, and receive it. 

I honestly feel like we don't have genuine conversations everyday. Maybe with some people we do. Hopefully if you have a significant other in your life, you have genuine conversations at least more frequently. And I feel like some people may not be capable of a genuine conversation. What I do think, is that we can train ourselves to be more aware, and give eye contact more often, and have those genuine, raw, "this is me" kind of conversation. I'm going to try and do this more often.

30 "Week" Challenge- #5!

Holyyy we're already at week 5!

Week five is:

A picture of your favorite memory.


I am so bad with this "picture" business. It's a good thing I'm doing this on my blog....I'm soo not good at taking pictures...But I d actually have a picture for this one!!

My favorite memory is a hard one. I'm going to say it would be my 18th Birthday. 


I was struggling with some serious family issues at the time, and one of my friends decided to throw me a birthday party (it was kind of a surprise). It just made me feel really special, because I rarely throw parties for myself for my birthday, nevermind someone else throwing me one. 


So here's a picture!

100 books update

Hey all!

So I've made some adjustments to my "100 books in 365 days" challenge. 

It all started when I decided to give up on the 2nd book I was reading for the challenge-Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury (which I believe is #91 or #92 on the official list). As much as I don't want to, I'm 77 pages in, and I'm giving up on it. I was going to suck it up and just finish it, but then I started to think about what I really wanted out of the challenge. If I make this a really painful experience for myself, I will never finish the challenge. Most likely, I will just give up. I don't want to do that.


So instead, I've decided to at least give every book on the list a college try, and if a particular book is incredibly boring or whatever, I will simply stop reading that particular one, and find a different book to replace it. This way, I'm still reading 100 books, but I'm not being bored to tears if there is a book that I'm just not enjoying. 

So at this point, I've decided that instead of reading Something Wicked This Way Comes, I am going to read The Shack by William P. Young. I have read this book before, and it really touched me the first time, so I've decided that it's time to read it again. God really spoke to me the first time, and I'm excited to see if He has anything new to tell me this time. Or maybe He'll repeat what he told me the first time. Which is fine too.  

I am now going to fill myself up with some Christian music and Law studying. Which actually goes together quite well. 

30 "Week" Challenge- #4!

Hey all!

Time to catch up on my 30 week challenges. Here's week #4!

A picture of your night.

Last night, I spent a  quiet night with my lovely friend Jennifer. We just spent the night watching Love in the Time of Cholera, crocheting and eating delicious "monster" banana bread :) (We called them "monster" as they were so big!)

Our delicious "monster" banana bread!

The crocheting I donated to her so she can sell them. She needs funding to make her next album!

Jennifer is an amazing Christian singer/songwriter. She is making a new album this year, and needs some help with funding. She makes scarves like I do, and she was going to sell some that she's making, so I decided to help her out. If any of you are Facebook friends with me, all of the scarves that are in my "Crocheting/Crafty Creations!" photo album I will duplicate for you guys for a small price so that I can help her out! She is incredible in so many different ways, and I'd love to see her succeed in her music career. Here's one of her songs from her first album: 

Take a listen, and enjoy! If you want to help, let me know!!!

Friendship

Hey all!

I haven't posted a song on one of my blogs for a while so here you go! It kinda goes with a theme, but it's kinda sad...so hopefully it doesn't alter the mood I wanted too terribly much. 

So, how often have you been asked the question; "Would you rather have a lot of friends, or a few close ones?" I have been asked this question numerous times in my life, and I've wavered back and forth between the two options. I've been faced with this question over the last couple of weeks, but this time, I've been asking the question, and I've been asking it of myself. 

I started asking myself the question when I had coffee with a friend from high school. We were discussing high school drama; particularly the summers before and after grade 12, and our grade 12 year itself. 

The high school we graduated from is a small one, and most of my friends from my particular "group" I have known since kindergarten. It wasn't the superficial form of "know" that sometimes gets tossed around, such as "I've known her forever" but you've really only known her for a year or two. 

Eventually, as more new students enrolled at the school, more and more people joined our "group", and slowly, the "core people" grew further and further apart. At first, I didn't really think much of it, mostly because I still felt like I belonged. 

As the years continued however, I started to feel less and less like I belonged. That's when I started to get annoyed.

And I know. It's high school. Suck it up princess, right? 

Why? Why should I suck it up? When I've known people for a certain period of time, is it wrong to expect to be felt like part of a group?

I went entire summers looking at pictures on Facebook of my friends having fun, and me going "thanks for the invite guys..." I have a cell phone, I have access to a vehicle. There are no excuses.

I'm going to pause here.

I am in no way trying to be whiney, or trying to make you all feel sorry for me. And I'm not angry per se. What I am doing however, is ranting, which will have a point. I'm getting there.

So I asked my friend over coffee, "What did I do to them to be treated that way?" Her response was, "nothing. I think you just sort of slipped under the radar." 

Yikes. 

So in other words, had I made a stink about it, I would've been invited.

Wrong. That would've just made things worse. But that's not really the point.

The point is, what's so great about having a large group of friends, if they aren't going to make some of the effort? What's the point of having a large group of friends, and one person makes plans with somebody, then that somebody adds another somebody, and eventually you've got everybody...except for those one or two that tend to "slip under the radar". But OH WELL. They won't care...right?

WRONG.

If I've done something to somebody to make them angry or offend them or made them feel uncomfortable, I would rather know, then just be treated like nothing. Besides, I can't change if I don't know what the heck I'm doing wrong. Sometimes people don't understand what they have done. Nobody's perfect. 

So here's the deal.

I love being surrounded by friends. I've become more into larger groups than I used to be. 

However, it seems completely useless to me to be surrounded by people who, when it comes down to it, aren't going to be around when you need them, and just generally don't care. 

And I guess that's the way God works too....but that's an entirely different topic. 

So, to cut this long story short, I would rather have friends who are going to be there for me. Who are going to listen to me when I need an ear, and who will let me listen when they need someone. Who will include me in fun times, and who I would want to include in mine. Because otherwise, all you have is acquaintances.