Being me

Hi all! Hope your week has been splendid!

Here's a song to get your juices flowing :) 




I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and my most recent reflection has been about fully being yourself. Not being ashamed at all about who you are, where you've come from, and where you're headed. 

I'm not talking about this kind of embarrassment, this is just funny :)

This. Is. Huge. 

I've been reflecting on certain parts of my life, and I've come to the realization that I've been living my life embarrassed about who I am. It's time for that to stop. 


The things I've noticed myself of late being self conscious about are:

1. My sense of humor. I sometimes get self conscious about my sense of humor. I tend to laugh at the easiest things, which can make me feel self conscious. But then I think; isn't it better to laugh easily, then to be, for a lack of a better word, picky about the things you laugh at? 
2. My beliefs/opinions. This of course, ranges from God to getting drunk to drugs to abortion, etc. This is mostly because I feel like I haven't really formed many strong opinions on certain topics yet. I feel like I haven't experienced enough in my life yet to know how I feel RIGHT NOW on abortion etc. 

What I've come to realize, is that to be embarrassed of these things, is to be embarrassed of God; because He created me exactly the way He wanted me to be, and to be embarrassed of any part of me would make me embarrassed of my Creator. Not cool. 

Then I started to think, maybe the reason why I'm a generally shy person is because I'm embarrassed of the above qualities in my personality? 


Because I will admit, I don't open up to people easily. When asked a difficult question, I'm very careful about my choice of words. When I'm asked the question, I'm trying to quickly but carefully come up with an answer. I don't just blurt out the first thing that comes into my mind. Although sometimes I want to. Is that weird? Because sometimes, I feel like that's not what others do. 


Even when I do give really honest answers, I'm careful about who I am fully honest with. I can only count on one hand my list of people that I am usually 100% honest with.

I'm not an easy nut to crack. I will be the first person to admit this. 

I think part of my problem is the whole "filter" issue. Some people don't have one at all, which I think can be really unnecessary and rude. Me however, I possibly have too much of a filter. Is that possible?

I can find it hard to relate to people, or even start conversations with people. Especially guys. I have no idea what guys want to talk about or care about, so I am constantly thinking of things to talk about, and then second guessing myself because I'm think he's not going to care about that. How do you know if you don't say?   

It's so hard to be comfortable in your own skin. It's especially hard to remember that you are your own worst enemy. I don't know how many times I'm at work and the girls I'm working with are saying "I don't like this on me" or "this makes me look pregnant" when I see something totally different. 

I'm not the person to stand in front of the mirror and say positive things about myself. I just don't. I've never done that, even in my worst moments. It's probably awful, but it's the truth. In high school, I always had a "who cares" attitude about my appearance, and I was (most of the time) comfortable in my own skin in terms of my personality. 

And it's weird; I always thought that now that I'm past that preteen "awkward stage" of my life, I would be more relaxed, more self confident. Actually, it's backwards. 


I'm trying to figure out who I am, and it's incredibly difficult, which makes it really hard to be myself because I don't even know who that is yet. 


Each day, I'm trying to loosen my filter, and just say what's on my mind. I'll never find myself and the people I want to surround myself with, if I don't open myself up at least a little. Now that I've realized this of myself, maybe being "myself", whoever that is, will become easier. And ultimately, I hope to become less and less uncomfortable in  my skin.